Alice in Wonderland

Saturday, 30th October 2021

Here can be today’s pretty photo: a flower arrangement Michele picked today with flowers she ripped from front yards while walking Poppy, she says..

She’s also adopted a duckling in the last few days (typical family pet that got inconvenient so they decided the pet was disposable) and even though I’m halfway across the country, I still am insisting I get to name this animal I’ll never meet.

Bessie if it’s a female.

Reginald if it’s male.

Come to think of it I should use the duck instead of the flowers..

Anyway, I want another style – a faster one – but every time I try to push a certain style I end up with pft.

Even when I don’t and a drawing is working fine in another style, I look at it and realize it’s just a cheap imitation: the only kind of artwork that demonstrates any real level of skill is high detail shit that’s at least semi realistic – that ability to make eye contact with something that genuinely looks like a real eye looking right back at you is all that matters.

It literally makes me hard when I’ve got it right, how I know I’ve got it right in fact.

Everything else is horseshit; garbage; dribble.

Alison is unsurprisingly unhappy at my being vaccinated (aka poisoned) but I have gotta start work again and waiting another month until the non-vaccinated are allowed back to work – that’s a full extra month of no income, which simply isn’t any good at all.

Unhappy enough to fall silent for a beat or two after telling her.

Sure, I mean yeah there are other jobs locally I could probably sniff around after that wouldn’t demand I be vaccinated, but knowing I’ve already got a job with all the hours in the same place and people I already know it’s more appealing to just get the shot and go back to work when it opens then have to be looking elsewhere 🤔

I was sick of sitting around doing nothing months ago and the sooner I start moving again the better.

She’s also told me she will sell any artwork I create if I just bring it to her, which I will – soon as I’ve got something for her.

She never had a clue I could draw or paint at all – figured photography was the limits of my ability – until I sent her the improvised eye drawing a couple of weeks ago after I’d uploaded it here..

I explained how inspiration hasn’t exactly been peaking after another half a year of being locked-down alone and that – really – to uncap the lid on that god-given creativity I simply have to be stoned – which she understands and responded by telling me she hopes I get that inspiration back soon because otherwise it’s an awesome talent that’s going to waste and “that would just suck.”

In the meanwhile I have stopped stressing about which style to draw in or what to draw: few weeks more and I’ll be coming home from work to chop up, get zoned-out and create beautiful drawings without needing to give it a thought at all, so for now I’ve started another eye and will carry on with that until employment and a healthy diet of THC resumes.

Sunday, 24th October 2021

I just found a gorgeous Victorian darkwood chair: intricately carved hardwood with freshly re-upholstered lime green velvet..

Check out the detail in the backboard..

Fuckin chair could’ve come straight out the Carrington.

Spent about three seconds looking at it, gave it a wiggle to see the frame was still solid then grabbed it and carried the fucker home on my shoulder.

It’s very comfortable.

Even has these very antique looking casters on the front two feet, but not the back.

Unbelievably, I have not recieved any reply from Hallie Rubenhold – this super hot English historian and writer with a super hot English historian.

It’s been three days!

I did write that she was stunning beautiful with a super hot voice, so maybe that relegated my correspondence to the ‘stalker’ folder but y’know, I did write primarily to compliment her writing abilities and well now I think of it, that’s the first time I’ve bothered to contact any famous person – at all – because I have never been one to idolize other human beings and still am not.

Day I see anyone do anything no other human can do – with my own two eyes – I will reconsider that stance.

Hasn’t happened yet.

Sunday, 24th October 2021

I have found a show hosted by a professor of physics at the university of California and will just keep looping the relevant episodes until it sinks in which it hasn’t yet, though I’m already seeing markers and red flags indicative of the concept being purely theoretical rubbish.

My lord: every time I start googling anything space related, I find myself transfixed by photos of the planets and galaxies – imagining what it’d be like to just be floating in space close enough to watch some massive comet collide with an even more massive planet and the huge firestorm.. all that collision debris hurling into space..

Saturday, 23rd October 2021

I have several questions pertaining to life and the universe that Scarlett cannot answer – in fact, she fell silent when I presented her with them – the text equivalent of staring blankly at me and blinking.

Of those three questions however, the one I really want to know is how time dilation works in relation to this Egghead theory of relativity and I really only want to know that, so I can scratch it off my mental list of stuff worth knowing: I am quite sure relativity is just a bullshit maths equation nerds like to nerd-flex about having an understanding of but if it’s just a few digits on a whiteboard, everything stemming from it is also pointless, intellectualist bullshit – anything that cannot be used directly to produce a real-world, physical result is nothing more than magical thinking.

In any event, Wonder Woman has no answer for me so I will have to seek the explanation for the both of us – then explain it to her because whether she really wants to know or not, she needs to.

Friday, 22nd October 2021

‘mericaaaa pew pew 🙂

I guess the closest parallel we have would be ‘straya glug glug?

Anyway I have finally listened to Alice in Wonderland – after a lifetime of knowing only the general characters, the fact there’s some shit about a tea party and that’s all.

I have to say it really is a deeply strange story, though the version I have is narrated by none other than Jodie comer – Villianelle from Killing Eve – and she not only voices the various characters just fucking perfectly, she also has such a beautifully soft voice I have switched to using it as my bedtime background audio and she’s put me to sleep better than I’d have expected the last few nights.

Love the queen’s casual, languidly walking around off her guts on morphine ordering decapitations of anyone who looks like they need their head removed.

One point, the king decides he doesn’t like the way he Cheshire Cat is always grinning at him and suggests to the queen she should have the Cat removed.

“Off with it’s head” the queen calls, without turning to even look at the cat – who has made its entire body invisible so only his head is showing – but her executioner refuses, telling the queen that although he would love to, it is simply a fact that there is no way to “off” the head of something when the thing has no body from which it can be offed.

And that bit with the Cat was one the more lucid scenes in the book – one of the few sections that seem to have been actually authored to be cohesive and amusing: there’s plenty of time book that just makes literally no fucking sense at all like the very rude duchess who beats her baby the whole time she’s nursing it before throwing it across the room at Alice, all the while the house cook is throwing things at the dutchess and the baby – hitting them both in the head repeatedly – while neither do so much as react as they’re being hit in the face with skillets and fry pans.

It’s definitely not what I would consider reading material that’s fit for children to read by any stretch, though I believe it’s intended as a kits story: even in the Victorian era in which it was written, the drugs, constant decapitations and literal baby bashing – you would think – would be not what parents would want their kids reading.

I realize I probably should just switch everything off at bedtime because I don’t really need the sound to fall asleep but it has been a part of my routine now for over a year – only difference being I’ve traded the sleep podcast for Jodie Comer reading Alice.

“Down, down, doooowwn”

Course you don’t want anything you will be drawn to actually pay attention to, which is why I would play a exact same episode every night: after a few nights you get to have heard the episode enough to tune-out of what the voice is saying and bang – it’s suddenly morning.

Alice in Wonderland is still a bit fresh for me to completely ignore the story, but as a narrator she has such a soft, feminine voice it’s soothing enough to easily sleep to.

She is also a best character actor I have ever heard – over 50+ books in my Audible library, none of the other narrators can adopt a completely different personality like Jodie Comer.

Thursday, 21st October 2021

Crack open that tin of vintage worms you’ve been saving for just such an occasion as this: the votes are counted and it’s official – our national bird of the year for 2021 is (drum roll).. The Superb Fairywren!

Woowoo for you, tiny irrelevant bird! 🐦

Did I manage to make it sound vaguely like I’m at least slightly into this bird thing? No? I’m not surprised: faking interest has never been a talent I possess but I saw the above photo in my browser news feed and liked the composition enough to wanna post it here so I had to provide some explanation why.

And have: it’s a good photo.

I’ve embedded the ABC Coronacast Podcast into the sidebar and set it to list the six most recent episodes, plus added a simple, static link to the NSW Govt’s official COVID-19 statistics page: both are for you, if you need the lin to the stats page or feel like running through the latest podcast episodes about Corona in Oz, since they’re only fifteen minute episodes they’re easy to catch-up on.

I can of course change the podcast source to the show and I have a shitload of infinitely more engaging podcasts with much more interesting shows running anywhere from a single hour up to 2.5hr episodes or longer, but for now I’ll just leave it as a pinboard for COVID-19 info until you get back into STRAYA and have access to iview plus the rest locally.

Wednesday, 20th October 2021

The crazies are out en masse today! Bit of mental illness induced drama for the tourists who are, also out today though I don’t know why.

I mean the crazies unfortunately live here, but the tourists: they weren’t filling the town yesterday, yet today – middle of the week – it’s as busy as the weekend for some reason 🤔

Art store guy got to chewing my ears again about how evil vaccines are, but this afternoon he persisted trying to convince me of his anti-vax opinions even after I’d clearly told him I had gone ahead and got my first dose of Pfizer on Friday and while he mostly just regurgitated the same QAnon-lovin’ vomit he spewed last time I was in his shop, he did have one new update – informing me that an 85 year old woman suddenly began menstruating – after receiving a vaccine shot! and I assume he read that at some random idiots Twitter feed, because I sure didn’t see it in my mainstream news feed, the one written by actual journalists.

Gotta say, I love buying new pencils: if only I didn’t have to dribble innane small talk to the old hippie who owns the shop, or listen to him dribble shit, I mean I can do small talk, but the whole *stopping to pick pencils* process would be much more enjoyable if he wasn’t there – pulling my focus away from the thing I’m there for.

Anyway it’s like, having a full spectrum of colours to choose from and choosing only the ones I specifically want, that’s what I like: compared to grabbing a sealed tray of pencils knowing I’ll never use half of them, by choosing exactly the ones I want I’m adding to my selection – a selection comprised only of colours and tones I genuinely like and will use plus, since Polychromos are so smooth with such rich pigment yeah – they’re just nice pencils.

Online I’ve talked to people who say they’re too expensive to buy ‘unless there’s a sale on’, but at only $3/pencil I’m unsure where they’re purchasing theirs or what they consider ‘expensive’ for professional grade art supplies: to my mind, if you are choosing pencils with the intention of using them to create artwork – images beautiful enough to be framed and left hanging on a wall in perpetuity – then I really can’t comprehend that kind of penny-pinching bullshit – if you aim to draw things you’ll end up loving, why wouldn’t you want to be using the finest quality materials right from the beginning?

To date, I’ve never once bought a Faber-Castell pencil with a single fracture in the lead or any other manufacturing faults, so I know as I’m picking them now I’m getting a beautifully rich stick of vivid colour that’ll be a pleasure to use and add to my stockpile of vivid colour 😊😍🤤

I also chose two additional hues of turquoise blue for highlighting to counter all the Prussian Blue of Alice: turquoise is different enough to be obvious, without being warmer or colder – they’re a distinctly different hue, but complementary in my, assessment.

I probably should just start a diary post for these entries but, does it even really matter?

I mean now I’ve got the homepage listing sorted by most recently edited, whichever post is at the top is the one I’ve obviously been writing in and whichever one that is, it doesn’t even matter what the post is or is meant to be about.

The only possible negative, is that finding what I wrote several weeks ago might require a bit of digging given posts aren’t listed in a linear, chronological way but so what? I never go back to read what I’ve written in the past and I’m quite sure nobody else bothers reading old entries either and if course the Search bar scans every post, page, title and image anyway so a simple keyword of relevance will locate any specific section of text I’ve written anyway.

For dinner tonight: southern-style crumbled chicken burger fillets on fresh bakery buns, with sliced tomato and onion, Cracker Barrel Special Reserve, Lurpak butter and dijon mustard mayonnaise.

With work rapidly scuttling up on me I have to start ingesting food worth eating again – opposed to lazy shit like porridge or cheese and crackers, so I’ve also made a point of writing a shopping list today – to avoid forgetting both the Swisse High-Potency Men’s Multivitamins, and a multi-pack of Berocca for mornings.

And that’s several shades of scarlet red pencil I have now, along with the pumpkin orange shades I grabbed for my own self-imposed Halloween themed drawing-a-day challenge – since Alice was getting so OCD I was spending more time looking at the page and adding to it.

Day 1 is a Jack’o’lantern, and the only criteria I’ve decided on is to draw a single, spooky object of some kind and do one drawing every day.

Beautiful told me something last night that – while not top secret – is personal enough for me to not write it here, though the general realization was that neither her or myself have had any kind of parents there for us in any real way since we were both seventeen.

A mutually shared, negative and though we both stopped giving shit-one many years ago, it’s interesting: as well as absentee parents, we both also have never wanted kids ourselves – that simple cause/effect link is interesting, I mean.

Also interesting how she can mean as much to me as she does.

Oh and Animal Farm was too droll to listen to: not because of the writing though – but because of Stephen fucking Fry and don’t get me wrong, I like his voice just fine and he’s a decent narrator but, well, he just does the narration on SO MANY audiobooks I’m altogether sick of hearing his voice you know? Like every English classic seems to be FRY and I can only listen to a single narrators vocal cords in so-many books before I automatically and instantly start mentally drifting away from whatever he’s reading.

Anyway back to Beautiful; Sunshine; Gorgeous: I find the length of time we’ve been happily engaging one another fascinating, given all the little markers of friendship that’ve repeatedly been demonstrated from the two of us and how easily we’ve continued this connection for like, a year now.

*…

Only one fully-loaded chicken burger and I have already had what my late grandmother loved to describe as ‘elegant sufficiency’.

The second fillet is almost cooked.

But I wanna finish my jackolantern.

But a food coma is crawling upon me and will soon whisper that soothing little thing onmy head at me, **just go lay dowwwwn a few minutes and get comfortable bro – the coma will be gone**

This what I get for not eating like a pig: a small, unstretched and easily conquered stomach.

Tell ya what too: the way I get “stuck” in indecision when drawing anything I actually want to turn-out well – Alice first, now this godamn pumpkin lantern – and I way I’ll sit just unable to commit pencil to lines with each new section I’m unsure about; well firstly it’s very annoying to know once I’ve got an idea I like I can literally scribble it fast and perfect without even paying attention to what I’m doing but also, yeah.

I am 100% confident that if I went to a psychologist to be tested for obsessive-compulsive disorder, I would be diagnosed with it: not because I’d read up on the questions or learn which personality traits I need to have and not because I have any desire to be diagnosed with OCD, but because this whole being frozen into not continuing with a given drawing because I cannot decide how I wanna proceed or what would look best for each new section, is often an obstacle that pisses me off.

Opining on that, I further realize that part of what made drawing easier while baked on buds might have been it removed that indecision and all the pausing over bits Im unsure about.

NOT that I would ever dare dismiss the overarching benefits of THC as a creative lubricant by any means: hallucinogens like weed and mushrooms – unless you’ve been doing something creative while you’re on them you cannot understand they don’t simply relax or drug you up, they make colours, shapes, sounds and everything based on your senses infinitely more rewarding as well as open those senses to whatever you’re creating, which creates a kind’ve feedback loop in that you’re using your senses and having those senses being rewarded as you draw or play an instrument or carve or whatever you’re doing.

That is the say, that anyone who scoffs at the notion that creativity is enhanced with the use of THC really, they’re just wrong and don’t know what they’re talking about.

But back to me: even though I’ll be smoking buds again long before I ever get myself diagnosed for OCD, I would be willing to put money on the fact that if a medication exists that stops the indecision that’s a hallmark of OCD and I were to take that medication, I would be a lot more productive, purely because I would just DRAW the godamn section and stop stopping to think about it.

This fuckin jack’o’lantern for example, could’ve been done with two hours and finished last night, but I’ve erased and re-drawn and re-erased and re-re-drawn – trying out different styles and not committing to any of them.

Fear not though: I know where I can get cannabis again now, and as soon as I’ve commenced recieving the wage I was receiving prior to the fucking fifty-million-years of lockdowns we’ve just had, I don’t start smoking it again while I’m drawing and there’ll be no more indecision or pausing or doubt about what to do with any section – it will all just flow outta be like magic again, the way all my artwork has anytime I’ve created it while, baked.

You’ll see.

I remember seeing a documentary a few years ago, about this well known Japanese artist who died like, two or three centuries ago now but I remember the one thing that stood out to me: he would never paint or draw a single line without being maggotted – too pissed to even stand up he would paint and he refused to even bother trying when he was straight because he just, didn’t want to.

Until then, I’m stuck with less rewarded sensory input and OCD lockups and that’s just tough shit for the time being.

No food coma, evidently 🙂

Tuesday, 19th October 2021

Up now: Animal Farm by George Orwell, because it’s free with my Audible subscription and I’ve heard so many references to this book in my life I feel I should find out why.

I got no sleep whatsoever last night: I’m that excited about going back to work again.

Surprisingly, I have had not a single side effect from Friday’s vaccination: not even a sniffle, sore throat or vague feeling of tiredness or, anything.

Even the very slight bruised feeling on my arm at the injection site was gone by Sunday.

Weird.

Not that short term effects were ever what concerned me, though it’s still surprising I had no reaction whatsoever.

Meanwhile, Scarlett is going nose-to-nose with her Chief of Operations because she wants to give her warehouse workers another bonus for working through the lockdowns.

Greedy arselicking douchebag of a COO is trying to prevent the lowest workers in the company ladder from recieving this bonus and Scarlett is pissed she’s even gotta deal with the pretentious cocksucker.

She owns the company of course and doubtless could simply tell him to shut down fuck up and know his place, though probably would be neither a good look or any way to keep any staff.

Still, he sounds like the typical, greedy, tiny- minded middle class wanker to me.

It’s quite repulsive the more I think about it: ever notice how it’s always the upper-middle class who seem to relish snickering at the lower class and people who have less than they do – even though they themselves only have the average like the majority of society.

People I know who are genuinely wealthy – from the millionaire owners of the Carrington who work at ther hotel every day, to that Cathy from thr church with her half dozen mansions and holiday houses, to the Scarlett’s of the world with companies spanning multiple countries – not only do they not feel the need to focus on people with less to make themselves feel more successful, they’d rather talk to people without any interference of financial differences and seem to put a much higher value on honesty and down-to-earth communication.

I guess once a person is genuinely wealthy they don’t really want to broadcast it for obvious reasons and while they might not be throwing cash at people with less, they also don’t have that repugnant, ugly streak down the middle of their characters because they’re no longer scrambling to be doing better than the joneses and freaking-out about their status the way some of the middle class are.

It’s so tiny-minded – that status anxiety so many people are afflicted with and yeah, always the ones who the most ordinary who need to have someone to look down on, because they know there’s a whole tier of society that’s doing incomparably better than they ever will.

You’d almost be able to pity that kind of person, if they weren’t so ugly and poisonous at the core of their personalities.

I am finally clean shaven again and as I’ve just said to her, I honestly don’t for the life of me understand how aanyone can tolerate the filthy feeling of what is – really – just pubic hair all over their face.

I’m sure plenty of people think it looks distinguished or sophisticated somehow – it really doesn’t though: it simply adds ten years to your appearance and makes you look too fucking lazy to even shave your own face.

I fucking hate it.

Couple days of growth, I don’t mind, but once it gets to half an inch or so – starts to curl around back into your skin – it just feels fucking dirty to me, especially when you’ve started sweating or on hot days.

Disgusting shit.

Why am I suddenly exhibiting such a visceral disliking for facial hair?

No specific reason actually, that I can think of: I have had no sleep and am increasingly tired, but also I spose having facial hair too long for the last several days it’s been grating at me for, well days.

Plus, throughout the lockdown I’ve obviously been nowhere near as concerned with shaving every day as I do when I’m working so it’s been mildly pissing me off every few days for months now.

Friday, 15th October 2021

I am vaccinated 🙁

Vaccinated with my second shot booked for the 10th November, so I’m good to return to work the moment the hotel reopens next month.

Thursday, 14th October 2021

I have to get vaccinated tomorrow.

Further harassing Amanda about it, she did elaborate that I could wait until December 1st if I don’t want to vaccinate, but to start at the beginning of November I have to get at least the first shot.

Like I just said elsewhere: governments around the world were in such a rush to look like they had an answer to proactively address the virus they never took the time to properly test the vaccines for long term negative health effects and by the time they’d convinced 50% the populous to go and get a shot, it was already too late to be backing up and telling everyone they’d made a mistake: causing half the country to be irreversibly damaged by an untested antigen is the kind of shit no government is going to admit to – sure as shit not until the other side of the next election – so they have every motivation to keep ill health effects from vaccinations to themselves and I’m sure a lot of vaccination deaths are shoved-in with “COVID related deaths” when reported, though it’s more the long-term effects that’re completely unknown that bother me: it’s only been 3 months since they first started injecting people after all – there’s simply not been enough time even now to know what it’ll do to people and these medical expert eggheads with their ‘thinktanks’, I guarantee, are only interested in side-effects in terms of “acceptable percentages” and do not care about individuals so it seems like gambling with the long-term health with a man-made pathogen to me.

And we ALL KNOW how many times human beings – especially reputed experts – have utterly fucked up and simply shrugged it off as a mistake in the past – human error is in everything that’s complicated and how much more complicated does it get than altering a virus into a vaccine in a lab?

So no, I do not want to allow that shit in my system, but I want to go back to work so I can stop borrowing money and start moving again.

Alice is moving along fine after a few days stuck in indecision over obsessing about the foreground.

And the Audible book of the moment is Project Hail Mary – an excellent novel set in space with only two characters: some dood who’s the human responsible for solving a bunch of microscopic organisms called Astrophage that have covered and are feeding off of our sun’s light – and Rocky, a five legged alien similar to a spider but with a personality and, cute.

I’ve listened to this book before but it’s been a while and I did not absorb all the details the first time around, so the re-listen is still fresh enough to be worth, doing.

Wednesday, 13th October 2021

The site will be down for four days from Friday, because I had other bills to pay, Scarlett is the primary person I’m writing for and even she knows I’ve had to borrow my way through the last several months: with no lockdown compensation from the government and over $1500 to repay, a few days of site outage is hardly any great surprise.

Course I’m texting her so it’s not as though I’m backed into only writing to her on a website and the rest of you fuckers – I don’t even know who you are so have no reason to be concerned whether you’re reading our not.

Sunday, 10th October 2021

Saw a news article link in my feed about what a train wreck Madonna was on the Tonight Show, which I did not watch though the stills in the article were enough to paint a pretty sad picture: the typical 60 year old has-been celebrity still thinking they’ve got enough game to be acting like they did a quarter century ago 🙂

Truly she was cringeworthy of course: sacks of loose flesh that once were pert, full, upstanding breasts – now sagging out the side of her equally has-been 80s lace bra, legs that look aged and only keeping their shape because of the 80s fishnet stockings holding all that old skin in.

I also saw a video Madonna had posted a while ago where she’s luxuriating in a massive marble bath tub surrounded by a floating layer of rose petals and candles, as she waffles about how COVID-19 is such a great equalizer – because according to Madonna, the virus has put everyone in the ‘same position’ and this video caused an avalanche of negative comments from all us little people, who aren’t in a position that’s even close to being comparable.

All kind’ve interesting, because a photo of Madonna in a magazine triggered the very first orgasm I ever had in my life, sitting ar the kitchen table in an empty house that day I finally realized there was nothing wrong with my reproductive functions and understood I just had to keep doing it for longer than I’d been – until then – trying.

Yeah that was quite a revelatory moment 🙂

My Cheshire Cat even looks better than Madonna now and every bit as insane.

Saturday, 9th October 2021

My knees, are visibly swollen from kneeling on them too much lately: I’ve started using a pillow to sit on, but wow – just feeling around my kneecap it feels as if somebody’s stuck a bike pump in under the skin and inflated the joint, so I need to find a more ergonomically friendly way of positioning myself for sitting to draw.

Speaking of drawing, I asked her last night whether she could, or paint or frame a photo as awesomely as she seems to do everything else she does.

Said nope, that it’s terrible that she cannot draw at all.

Then, she’s told “I *am* pretty good with music though” then goes on to explain how she can play most instruments she picks up and has recordings she can send me, but that she’s not been in a ‘place’ conducive to being creatively open for a while: too much busy, too much covid, too many general distractions, which makes sense given she’s one the few who have been working right through the last two years of lockdowns while most of the population has been paid by ther government to just stay home and chill.

Though this isn’t the same format of creativity I’m proficient in, it gave me the fucking happies the moment she told me: I have never known any woman who’s musically inclined at all and – worse than even that – apart from Michele being an excellent writer, not a single one of the women I’ve been with has possessed any creative gift in any format – not even a glint of talent in any of them, which certainly didn’t result in an atmosphere of inspiration that – had it ever been a mutual, shared interest – would likely have led to me being a lot more inclined to get out the materials to create something myself as well, since I’ve have seen or heard my significant other doing it – not that I’m blaming giftless ex’s without any inclination for artistic pursuit for my not pursuing my own for so long, I’m just pointing out that a generally creative home environment probably wouldn’t resulted in me engaging it too.

Monkey see monkey do, you know.

Nice to know someone with a gift in a traditionally accepted form of art for once in my life and yes, of course I’ve already requested she find something I can have playing in my earphones that’s ASMR enough to help ne zone-out while I’m drawing 😏

Told her she can send anything and everything she feels like flooding my inbox with all she likes, but specifically something that will facilitate calming myself down to sit and focus.

And I’ve just spontaneously had the urge and followed through in creating a mix, for the first time in – well a long time, because treating eliquids like an important activity is for people who lack the intelligence to do something more worthwhile with their time.

Not sure why, but with so much custard flavored juice that’s all I’ve been vaping for months, and though I felt like a change I don’t care at all for most of the flavours I have: fruits, biscuits, creams, puddings, Cola and even fizzy sherbet – I actually do like the cola with the fizzy sherbet but cannot stick with even that for more than a few hits before I’m over it and switch back to custard.

So, in this sudden quest for something not custard but not wanting anything too far removed from it or finished, I mixed around 150mL of a plain as shit vanilla juice, then slicked it up a bit with some booster flavors that include other vanilla concentrates and a few additions just to bump-up the sophistication a tiny bit.

What I ended up with was primarily a mix of Capella French Vanilla and VTA Vanilla Cream as a base, with TFA Madagascan Bourbon Vanilla, VTA Barrel Oak and TFA Brown Sugar added to deepen and darken those two primary vanillas and just a half a percent each of Capella Graham Cracker, Capella Bavarian Cream and barely a few drops of VTA Acetyl Pyrazine to round the rest off.

The end result – even though it’s fresh-mixed and hasn’t steeped at all yet – has the same unassuming blandness of flavour I like about custard, but with much more vanilla and none of the custard itself.

And anyone who does not vape might wonder why the fuck I would deliberately aim to vape flavours that are bland or consider that a good thing, it’s simple really: smoking actual tobacco, you don’t notice the flavour of the smoke as you’re smoking it – I mean sure you might occasionally pay attention to that but most the time you’re just having a smoke because it’s an insanely addictive thing to do and the feeling of that smoke hitting your lungs is the sensation that matters, much more than any flavour might be in the smoke.

Enter vaping and all the liquids with all their countless flavour profiles and because that vast choice of flavours is what’s good about switching to using a vaporizer everyone is just forever trying to pack as much of that flavour in their liquid as possible and most vapers think that’s just totally the cats meow.

The common majority of braindead shlongs I’m talking about here Babe, not you.

The more present the flavour, the more you notice it and I do not want to be always having to notice some obnoxious artificial flavouring whenever I take a hit on my vaporizer – just like I would not want to be having to pay attention to the tobacco smoke I’m inhaling because some dingus thought adding glazed strawberry and cheesecake flavouring would be a good thing to do.

Custards – like this plain vanilla – are a quiet flavour: if I feel like paying attention I can and detect the various flavours surrounding that simple custard or vanilla, but I usually don’t feel like it – usually, I just want the lung hit that confirms I’ve got my dose of nicotine from a carrier liquid that’s not disgusting.

People who say this kinda thing: “On the inhale, I get a mellow but full bodied candy apple zest with a rounded hint of melon and wild mint finish …”, can just fuck off with that boujey, pretentious shit.

Sound like total fucking idiots wanking-on about artificial flavourings in eluquids like connoisseurs: it’s childish and I’m embarrassed for them.

Friday, 8th October 2021

I have a certain pretty Red Doberman she-wolf to add to my subjects folder and will treat her as my ‘intermission’ sketch when I want a break from the pretty Blue Fairytale she-wolf x

Imma use disposable gloves to draw tonight: they should allow a better grip but also, though I talked last night about how oil will ruin a good drawing once it gets on the paper and soaks in, I didn’t mention that even well cleaned hands still have that super thin layer of oil that’s always coming out the pores of our skin – washing your hands frequently minimizes it but over time that paper will still accumulate oil from the heel of your hand continuously rubbing and resting on the sheet.

Not that I’m, yeah I dunno: why not just try it and see – I have a whole drawer full of assorted disposable gloves just sitting there and I don’t mean those weird latex clear ones, but the nitrile ones – they feel just like they’re made out of pencil eraser.

Never even worry about saving the paper from skin oils: maybe the rubbery material simply grips the paper better to prevent slippage and means a more comfortable way of drawing – that alone is reason enough to take em for a spin.

I’ll just eat something first, then leave you to it while I start for the afternoon: this afternoons listening or background audio is Clive Barker’s 37-hour epic: Imajica – dood who wrote the Hellraiser series and I think he also directed the movies which is odd for a writer to do and bre names this the book he loves best of all his work, which I can get – much more than a horror novel, Imajica has horror themes, monsters and the like but it’s really a love story underneath, once you strip away the layers.

An epic love story of course, because who would care to bother even listening to a story about just another common, garden-variety love.

I’ve already told Scarlett all this you know, so have no idea who I’m repeating it for 🤔

For my creepy Lurkers – whoever you are 😘

My vaccination was not today, though I’ve been into town and tried to have it moved forward since I was there for shopping.

After waking and dosing up on coffee, working myself up to go in and knowingly allow someone to infect my system with an man-made pathogen that cannot be removed once it’s in me, deep breathing and a bit of calm blue ocean bullshit later, I check to make sure I’ve got the time right: 11:50AM, then my eyes are drawn to the date – Friday 15th October, see my phone says the 8th..

All that buildup for, pffft.

Still, like I have already said: with all this RUSH to tell people to get vaccinated QUICK QUICK QUICK, of course I just assumed the booking would be for the soonest possible Friday, which is today.

Thursday, 7th October 2021

Finally, I’ve an appointment for my first dose of Pfizer.

Have to start shaving again regular enough to not look like an escaped mental patient..

Start setting my alarm for 5:00-6:00AM again, then actually get up instead of batting the phone silent and going back to sleep ugh..

Start going back in to annoy Amanda all day for the shitty $25/hour we get and my, do I have a build-up of annoyance for her after a million fuckin years of lockdown.

No, I will be nice and try not to be a pain in the arse – at least until we’ve had a chance to settle back into the groanfest 🙃

We all love Amanda, when we’re not hating her and as much as you can love anyone you don’t know well enough to really even miss them when they’re not there.

She has a personality all her own and really, when you consider how few people in this world have any kind of originality at all, it’s impossible not to like someone who does.

Fuck am I writing about her for though anyway: I’m clean, shaved and changed – stuff my face with something, wash my hands and alcohol- spray them (again) and I’ll be ready to resume the Cheshire Cat, because I cannot be going NEAR pencils or paper with even a hint of food, oil or anything else on my hands – anywhere.

I mean I literally wash them, then dry them, then wet them with alcohol then dry them again purely to be 100% certain any oil from any source is gone from my hands and fingers completely, before touching any equipment used to draw.

A spot of butter, a drop of vape juice or a trace of oil from ham im a sandwich and the entire page is ruined by a dark, oily blotch soaked in the paper that can never be removed.

Made that mistake on a drawing I was invested in only once to know: anything that comes in contact with any drawing needs to be perfectly clean at all times.

And again I’ve just noticed: nothing I’ve said in any of the paragraphs above has a single thing that do with Alice in Wonderland – or even drawing in general.

Why I can’t just keep a post centered on a particular topic, you see: my thoughts just slide around, here and there, back and forth and yet because I usually transition into subjects the long way around, I can’t just cut/paste passages of text clean into another post, really, so you’ll just have to put up with my randomly bouncing around from one train of thought to another.

Nothing can be done about it: I’m just live-streaming from brain to page and even though I’ll work my way back up the screen to edit it often that’s only ever to improve readability and make those thoughts more succinct.

It’s not like I think in words and I doubt any of us do: like dogs, we think in rough visual images that flash in our minds-eye in quick succession – simultaneously too – along with that ambiguous, soupy mix of concepts, emotions and memory – all just flashing into cohesive thoughts like a strobe light, but there’s never any actual words involved – not unless we consciously make a point of visualizing words, right? 🤔

I have come to the realization that I deserve all of everyone’s attention, all the time and am much more relaxed when I’ve got it.

It’s true.

Lucky for other people I only really want all the attention of a tiny, select handful of people I particularly like 😊

Wednesday, 6th October 2021

Among the selection of new pencils I bought today I pointedly chose Deep Scarlet for every red, because even if I had no awareness of another person on the planet named after the colour, it’s still the best, most universally recognized primary red there is.

Only ten new pencils but all top-shelf brands, because quality > quantity – every time – and all in only the three primary colours: Alice in Wonderland, Cinderella(?) & Lethal Prey – I wasn’t looking for new shades since I already know the colour I want for each of the other two in the trilogy and Alice has always been Prussian Blue to me, but I wanted different textures of lead to try so bought one of each colour in Faber-Castell Polychromos and Pitt Pastels plus Staedtler Lumocolor with a black and white thrown in for highlights/shadows for other drawings so I have the option to steer away from the super-soft graphite.

“Lethal Prey”, will be Scarlett as Red Riding Hood: standing over the corpse of the sleazy wolf she’s just knifed and like the other two drawings will be referenced by its colour – the title being purely to provide irony to the scene: this tiny sexkitten of a woman in red – the prey – flipping it on the wolf completely and I actually really wanna start on this one.. the deep scarlet red EVERYWHERE like Alice is blue, with only shadows added with graphite pencils – it’ll look fucking awesome.

Especially placed alongside the all blue Alice and the all yellow Cinderella, the last of which I haven’t really composed in my head at all yet.

Too bad I don’t have any actual person to base Cinderella off of: I mean I knew an Alice several years ago who was dark and depressive enough to be just auto-assigned to the blue drawing; I’ve got Scarlett to flawlessly fit into the warm, blood red feistiness of Riding Hood – it’s just that third: Cinderella, yellow, yellow-bellied, cowardly, fearful, timidity, all that – I can’t think of a real life woman that downtrodden honestly..

I’ll just have to draw her crumpled in a heap – crying in her glass slipper or something, which will still be visually interesting but a real personality to draw from would be kinda nice.

Polychromos have been my favourite general-purpose coloured pencils since researching the brand and buying a 2-pack over a decade ago now – they’re just as butter-smooth as Prismacolor without the weird thinner shape and better quality leads that don’t shatter inside the pencil the moment you drop it.

But you know, pencils – like paint brushes, pocket knives and other instruments of creative expression – are utterly incapable of creative refinery without the hands manipulating these primitive little sticks of colour.

I love my hands course, so I’m a little biased: even when they’re not creating pretty things, they’re attractive in their own right – pianists hands, they are.

Before I even left this morning my phone was buzzing, buzzing on the walk into town; buzzing as I waited in the medical center to ensure they understand the magnitude of my getting my first dose of Pfizer before next month; buzzing while I’m shopping. buzzing as the Coles deli chick gave me a complete and thorough debrief on how I don’t *have* to get vaccinated at all and that the reason employers aren’t making vaccines compulsory is that THEY will be legally responsible for any ill effects caused by any vaccine if they demand their workers have them for work: by not mandating vaccination, but implying we won’t have a job unless we’re inoculated, employers move any and all liability on each individual for choosing to vaccinate – which is what’s been happening for months now right? Everyone diving on the vaccine band-wagon because they’ve used every kind of language and arrangement of words to firmly imply we have no choice and everyone will end up dead if we aren’t all vaccinated with this man-made pathogen.

It buzzed as I walked into the office supply store to buy paper – stepping back a further meter when the slovenly man-pig on checkout coughed himself up a fucking awful cough and I’m still unsure I was completely out of range of airborne filth the entire few minutes I was in there.

It buzzed on the way down the street after buying my double-smoked ham and buzzed while I signed in and started talking to the art store guy – who also got into chewing my ear about vaccinations being a con and he even showed me ABC news articles testifying the fact that no employers are confident in any COVID vaccine to *force* employees to have them.

It buzzed while I chose pencils.

All this buzzing; consistent texts from our Scarlett about everything, really, which I managed to keep up with pretty well given everything I was distracted by while in town but honestly, how nice it is: that warm little vibration telling you she is demanding attention, by giving me attention – a perfect feedback loop, that and being the attention whore I am, at no point did I ever think that’s too many texts – from either of us.

And after two separate people pointing out the obvious deception going on with the fake-mandating of vaccinations we’ve had going on, I started genuinely doing a mental flip on bothering to follow up on that first Pfizer dose at all: why the fuck would I, if I don’t NEED to have it to start work again?

I tell her I am seeing a way out of being vaccinated, but before I could elaborate she’s mashed the over-ride button – after sarcastically telling me that I *should* definitely rely completely that a deli chick in Coles knows more about virology than the international medical community, which ended my elaboration on the spot..

‘Get the shot.’ she tells me.

“Okay.”

‘You can be angry at me all you want later if you grow another arm and if you do, I will have one too so we’ll both be sporting additional eyes and appendages :)’

“Okay :)”

Spose I’ll get my contacts out so I can start the afternoon’s “session”.

My point, I guess, is that I’ve spoken to a LOT of different people online in the two years since COVID-19 and lockdowns have become constants in life and while I can bro it up with doods as well as anyone so long as they’re not football-player-grade sexist dickheads, my focus always comes back to women because just as much a fact of life as this annoying fucking virus has become, is the biological drive, preference and dynamic that makes women more engaging overall and spanning both the last two lockdown periods, it’s been Scarlett I’ve been consistently engaged by.

Cute, I know 🙂

Even with an endless ocean of other humans available to communicate with, none of them have remained as easy to engage as her and this is the longest I’ve persistently stayed in contact with any one person online without meeting in my life.

Tells me today, that though she’s really not one to gloat ‘I am probably the coolest person you will ever meet in your life’, which I do not doubt and said as much.

Without a shadow of a doubt she is the coolest person who’s ever captured my attention online, and the only person who has so effortlessly kept hold of it for what is it now going on a year almost?

Good job, Chicklet 😏

My reflection on any woman our age who – like myself – doesn’t have kids, I’ll freestyle this: there’s a world of difference between a woman before she has kids and after – one’s a full-blooded woman driven to love the chasing and courtship and games related to finding a mate, the other, a mother who already has and whose entire world rotates around her kids and always will as she does her best to pretend the woman she used to be didn’t really die when the mum-thing came into being – overcompensating to the point of self-parady to appear more than just a mother and knowing it’s bullshit – that’s all there is because kids have turned her into a walking cliche: enter, soccer-mum-karens of the world.

From a male perspective, the difference is so obvious you wonder how anyone with eyeballs can’t see it too: there is no comparison at all between the full blooded woman who hasn’t had children and whose primary driver is still to partner – she is incomparably more valuable to any man and always will be, next to yet another mother who’s given up her womanhood for yet another man she couldn’t even stand to stay with.

I’m veering a bit off topic I realize, but felt like pointing out that tacky, society-wide disgrace since we see it repeated so often it’s as common as dirt and because, well, I’m in the mood for a bit of bitch about how lacking contemporary social morality happens to be, so why not.

It’s just one more simple truth of life people will do anything to delude themselves out of believing, but socially fashionable group-think cannot touch primal, animal biology that’s been growing ever stronger in us all since we crawled out some muddy swamp back in the salamander days.

A little philosophy lesson while you’re here, random internet Lurkers: no need to thank me, it’s all part of that crazy self expression thing we call writing and I’m all in tonight 😜

The cat.. I’ve gotta draw the cat..

We will meet eventually: with half her businesses operating in both the USA and Australia, she’s required to fly back and forth routinely between countries, so she’ll be here sooner or later.

Clearly Red Riding Hood needs to be, her – all in deep scarlet red; posing over the carcass of a very bad wolf she’s just cut down – short hair and a smirk that never left her face.

Food, then drawing for the night.

Food currently being peanut butter on water crackers: no idea why I’m suddenly into this combo, but I am – the wintery porridge phase is over with.

And you know, if everything just opened tomorrow and she suddenly breezed into town, at least now I have that single finished drawing I to give her – even if the red fairytale won’t be finished for a, well it’s not started yet but yeah – she can certainly liberate that foxy improvised eye off me 😍

And – without needing to come anywhere near ther mountains – I’ve been telling Michele I’ll draw her eye for five fuckin years now: Michele definitely has a few rolled-up drawings owed to her I will mail once I’ve settled into this and got a few the drawings I want to start, started 😏

Tuesday, 5th October 2021

She’s back! 😝

After several whole days of radio silence 😖

Asking whether I might be just a little bit jealous that she has the entire Game of Thrones series waiting for her to watch for the very first time which of course, I am 🙂

I saw it as it aired on Foxtel a few years ago, so could thoroughly recommend it as another HBO epic show which it is, and which I did and yeah – to have the whole lot to watch for the first time again, hell I would watch the whole lot again just to pick-up on all the plot twists and details I missed the first time round.

She will love it 😏

Should, anyway.

You, are sunshine and bubbles to me x

And here’s the preview I couldn’t get to send via texts..

I actually now want to draw-in her knee, since that’ll be even more cute, but because I filled the flap of dress over it in blue already, there’s literally no way at all to remove that blue pigment completely and her skin *has* to remain pure white.

No matter how much erasing I do it’ll just always have a light blue tint to it, so no knee: unless I sculpt the dress around it, but there’s still SO much left to do I don’t want to be obsessing over every detail like that.

Long before I’m done with Alice, I’m going to span it into a trilogy – Alice, Cinderella and Red Riding Hood – so I can alternate between them to keep the process fresh but also so I’m not creating each of them at totally separate times, when I could be in totally different mindsets – to keep them in-theme with one another.

Red, Yellow and Blue; Anger, Fear and Darkness: a perfect cycle of three.

Monday, 4th October 2021

Someone needs to make pencils with coloured graphite lead instead of always with the waxy shit.

So I took my contacts out for the first time in months the other day – for the microscopic vision needed to see every fiber and line on the paper, and I gotta say it is super refreshing to be a step removed from everyone while I’m out: literally just moving fuzz is what I’m seeing – opposed to the ocean of beady fucking rat eyes usually staring back at me from nobodies so pretentious, they need to flock to a small town because they’re not unique enough to be noticed in a larger one.

Clowns.

Where is Scarlett.. she gets it..

This is actually kind’ve confusing – not having a set diary post to update: I mean it’s less linear this way and there’s nothing stopping me date-stamping a section, but Iunno..

Whatever date this was..

So we’re crystal clear, the image below is the first version I painted – not the new one I’m drawing.

Lot more detail this time, it’s getting to look like too much of a commitment and I’ve only done the legs and surrounding dress mm.

Still, I wanted a break from drawings eyes and this is certainly that.

Caterpiller is being replaced by Cheshire Cat.

Here’s the old painted version for reference sake..

Course I was too excited about finally trying paint for the first time I never took the time to sketch it properly before beginning with the acrylic, hence the complete lack of accuracy.

This time I’m only using pencil so there’s no “more exciting” stage to the process: it’s all equally tedious 🙂

It’s still only being created with Prussian Blue though coloured pencil instead of acrylic paint, so the colour’ll be much milder – unless I decide to go really heavy on the pencils later, which could ruin it though so I likely will not do that.

It’ll take me a while to do this second version actually, and I’ll probably switch to something else before it’s done before coming back to Alice.

Doesn’t help that I’m doing all this drawing while sitting at a coffee table on the floor and on my feet, which are continuously going numb – causing me to get up and walk off the pins & needles before resuming again.

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