Sunshine returns

Jason

Very moody, vividly expressive littered with bad-words and extremely romantic.

Published Sunday, 1st November 2020 @11:36 AM - Katoomba, Australia

Wednesday, 25th November 2020

11:40 AM

There's this old fucker - a local - who seems to always be on whatever bus I get in or out of town whenever I get it: waddles like a duck with his walking cane and the same filthy gray tracksuit pants and this arsehole, he ALWAYS stinks like stale piss.

I just automatically go straight to the back of the bus now to avoid having my nostrils raped by the stench and you know, at that age you can kind've overlook anyone smelling bad here and there, but this old fart ALWAYS stinks the whole front half of the bus out and I fucking hate the cunt for that reason alone.

I would LOVE to tell him "You fucking *stink * and you are disgusting: go wash yourself and for fuck sake wash that garbage you're wearing."

What would be the point though right? He HAS to know already and I'd just make myself look like a cunt in front of everyone for being rude to tje nice old man.

And nono, I'm not in a bad mood at all regardless how this might read, I'm just sitting up the back of the 686 to Echo Point and this revolving old fool is on the bus, why I'm thinking about it.

Add that to the list of social reforms I want made:

Monday, 23th November 2020

2:22 PM

I finally remembered sandpaper this afternoon, though I've changed my mind about the carving: I want a better shape.

It's hard to describe and there's nothing wrong with the infinity symbol - or there is and it's subconsciously rubbing me the wrong way - but it's just,.. just not beautiful enough.

The carving's I've always liked the best each illicit a kind've emotional response: partly due to their intricacy, partly due to their visual subject and partly due to the quality of workmanship but those three thngs are not defining factors that determine the beauty of an object - it's more ambiguous than that and very hard (impossible maybe), to pin-point exactly what makes one thing beautiful and another meh.

Honestly, when I think back on the carvings and drawings I've done only half (if that) possessed that quality of intrinsic beauty: many started off with big plans then ended being rush-jobs; some were limited by selecting the wrong material, my own mood or by my feeling towards the recipient the piece was being created for, simply not being strong enough to really care about the outcome.

I do care about the outcome here though.

Her reaction to that little carving: I would've been content with a quiet 'thank-you' and a patronizing smile, but instead got to see her transform from tired, quiet and flat into something more like a teenage girl than a woman my own age: I was slightly caught off-guard for a second there by this sudden burst of I dunno, brightness from her as she's fired off a bunch of questions so quickly they sounded like one sentence 'Going home now? Or into town? Need a lift? God, course. Seeya next week? Wait. You *are* coming next week right?'

"Uh huh :)"

Worth all that obsessive carving and polishing.

Here I was worrying whether she'd even accept it at all or tell me some shit like, 'It's beautiful Jason but I can't take that, it's yours.'

Shit no!

She didn't hesitate to take it *and* it made her happy!

Still gives me the warm and fuzzies days later and I remember Richard calling out 'Seeya next week Jason!', then finding even *he* is smiling at me when I took my eyes off her to look over and give him a distracted "Ahhhh yeah sure.. seeya.."

If she'll keep taking them, I'll keep creating them for her and in another first, I get to use my most dominant talent to communicate how I feel about someone *to* her in a situation where even if words weren't premature, my attempting to use them in live conversation would only see me fuck it up anyway!

Anyhow, there's no way to state "THIS will be a gorgeous carving/drawing/painting!" with any knowledge until I've got a good way into it and can *see* how the it's evolving.

Planning doesn't work, is my point: the best, most beautiful things I've ever created ALL started with my feeling a particular way for someone which made me grab a pencil/knife/chisel and basically just doodle to impress - no planning or conscious thought present at all.

Imbuing a carving with that ability to cause an emotional reaction requires that "Ooo" kind've beauty to be present, the finish/quality to be as flawless as humanly possible and that unknown x-factor to be there and you know, now I think about it that 'x-factor' is probably the emotion *I* add to the thing I'm creating - though emotion isn't tangible, the care and love I take in every detail *is* and that's probably what gives an object - certainly present in the little boat - that "Wow" thing when you hold it in your hands.

If all those particular ducks are not lined up and present - the work ends-up being amateur-looking rubbish: the kind of cheap, junk anyone can buy from any stupid third-world famine store where they sell wooden figurines for $10 that took some starving worker 20 seconds to cut, dunk in polish and toss on a tray to dry along with the other 50 identically cheap, tacky carvings they've hacked-out that day.

So that's what I'll do: think about her, grab a knife and let my subconscious decide on the shape as I go.

Right after I've got my clothes soaking.. my knee is sore again, yet I give no fucks about that.

I give fucks about taking my contacts out though, since I lack the super-power of microscopic vision while they're in my eyes.

And I realize todays random opining about the properties of my own creative artifacts isn't edge-of-your-seat excitment for well, anyone really, but I also give no fucks about that: there's clearly something in some carvings and drawings that give them the ability to make people feel something - especially carvings since they can be held and are more tactile than flat artwork - and I've never really sat and dissected what it is that's responsible for that thing to be present.

Now we know: talent + skill + love = awesome - take any one of those elements away, you've just wasted your time creating ordinary and the world is already fuckin' crawling with that.

Why waste time on anything ordinary?

Sunday, 22th November 2020

2:30 PM

Right.

I've done the basic shape.. the 'blank' I spose would be the term for a base shape, and though it looks too long to form an infinity symbol, approximately 20mm or nearly an inch from each end is going to be removed right down to nothing: that extra inch on the ends will be for the cross-over ribbons to curl into little knots or wrap into points - once I've carved the connective strands I mean, they're not simply going to *end* right at the end: they'll wrap around the round bit and need the addtional wood for finishing.

Whatever though: I know what I fuckin' mean so it doesn't matter a gob of duck shit whether you understand or not..


And the blisters caused by that session - just by pushing the back of the knife to carve large slices away faster.. I really should file the spine of the knife into a rounded edge so it doesn't fuck my thumb each time I start on a new carving, though once the heavy cutting is completed, the finer detail will be nowhere near as damaging to - my skin.


Here's what I mean by excess material at the ends being fine.. though this isn't literally how I'll end up doing the detail, this is just a mock-up diagram to illustrate what I'll be using that extra for and why the 'blank' looks too long..

It's not: it's perfectly sized for what's going to be done to it, oh and that bit in the middle won't be that thin obviously, though I haven't decided yet how to keep a safe width while maintaining the illusion it's - thin.

She will love it.

Friday, 20th November 2020

7:08 PM

Toni's telling me this afternoon she's worried there's something wrong with her but she cannot quite pin-point what it is exactly, then unloaded all her issues on me like a mental patient talking to a shrink, which was fine: course I told her it's unhealthy to keep shit bottled-up - fully aware she will also unload her issues to everyone else she stops to talk to after she's finished with me, but she bitches in a way that's relaxing to listen to, so I don't mind.

I told her she didn't look mentally defective or neurologically damaged or for that matter, any more mentally ill than she ever has which is true - just seemed like Toni far as I could see.

Even Joanne knows about Toni and almost guessed what Toni is like right down to the short hair, causing me to ask Joanne if she *knew* Toni, which she said she didn't - she just guessed the personality based on the name and got it almost perfect first go :)

Can't believe what exceptionally good value Joanne has turned out to be: we still talk shit and still engage in text vollies that last all afternoon or all day, every few days - all from an online study group we were briefly in together and we gave no fucks about staying in touch with anyone else in the group either - just her and I who came out of it friends.

It's here again I could add a little note in the margin of the page, about how friends are an athema to me and the bottom-line again comes back to that fucking mother I had, with only two friends of her own throughout my childhood she's wasted her entire life cowering at home - fucking hiding from the world - and though I'm naturally louder and more extroverted than she ever was just by my personality and disposition, her weird shit throughout my childhood rubbed-off on me enough so that my whole life I've never understood why people have friends OR how to make them OR how to keep them.

The fact that at 47 years of age I've finally, just now scored an actual friend who's both female and platonic, well that is entirely Joanne's doing - she pushed and poked and kept texting and even made herself all mine all day long a few weeks ago when she knew I needed a distraction, so instead of sitting around at home obsessing and winding myself into a state, that thing that upset me was turned into no more than a shit-stain in my rear-view mirror - irrelevant to me.

Because Joanne pulled me along so I didn't stop long enough to fall into myself Xoxox

Hell, I even said to her back when the university study period was halfway finished, "I shouldn't be talking to you still - weird that I am.." elaborating on that by adding, that I have never in my live talked to any woman once I know there's no chance I'll get laid and I know you're married so I'm not getting laid - historically, I'd either have hooked-up with you already or dropped all contact and started talking to someone who would fuck me.

If ONLY I'd had a normal home arrangement with two parents who were normal, aspired to have more of a life for themselves and me and taught me by example like any other normal kids with normal parents get.

Instead I got a single mother who has lived her entire life on welfare and never even tried to be any better than that: welfare accomodation the goverment gave her; welfare doctors, prescriptions and healthcare the goverment gave her, welfare income the goverment gave her to pay for her rock-bottom welfare life - a lifetime spend living with her hand out - just accepting whatever people gave her.

The only parent I had to serve as my role model growing-up: a fucking life-long welfare leech.

Anyway, Joanne: happily married for eight years now, yet she still manages to entertain me - for hours on end at a time: she's the first female friend I've ever had where getting laid was never on the table yet she's just so lovely and open and honest that she's intrinsically interesting enough to make me want to continue communicating with her.

Remarkable really.

Thursday, 19th November 2020

11:19 PM

Of COURSE I've already started on the design for the next carving: I've locked-in the infinity symbol as the primary form and the conceptual theme will be duality, which is easily and naturally represented with masculine/feminine symbology so a text shorthand representation might look like this...

(feminine/female/her) <= all the little strands of connective similarities => (masculine/male/me).

And now, to throw-out some warm & fuzzies for her...

❤❤️❤️❤️❤️❤❤❤️❤️❤️❤️❤❤❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤❤❤️❤️❤️❤❤❤️❤️❤️❤️.

Wednesday, 18th November 2020

7:55 PM

I gave over her little lovey boat trinket earlier - waiting until the afternoon just before everyone left since I didn't know whether she'd weird-out on me and wanted to avoid the hours of awkwardness that could've occured if it weren't received favourably.

Another reason for giving it to her at the end of the day was hmm: if I'd done so at the beginning, she'd have had an entire day of distractions and talking and whatever - giving it to her just before she left meant she would be alone with it from the time I gave it to her until the end of the night.

It was recieved much more favourably than I'd even imagined.

So after everyone had packed shit up for the day and the group had that brief conversation they always do before heading out, the six of us all left as a group and we've all started walking to the car-park.

Before we all get to the carpark I figure I should find out who's going into town so I've called out to everyone "Anyone heading through town?" and all six turned to look at me when Colin - soon as I had finished asking - instantly told me he'd drop me off on the way through - no problem.

Fucking Colin was so fast to offer, the others had only just turned around and didn't even get a chance to open their mouths so that's great old man thanks for that.

Yeah of course I wanted to go with with Her..

Rather fucking walk if I'm not going with the woman I like, but now this old fart's jumped in before she had a chance to even respond yeah..

Fuck this old man..

Everyone's started walking to their respective cars - still in a group - and they're talking about fuckin I dunno whatever when She breaks off to the left and starts walking to her car alone.

From that moment on, I did not hear a single word any of the group I was walking with said even though Colin was talking to me - asking a question about something while every last grain of my attention had already shifted to her: watching her walk off out the corner of my eyes, I knew I had just a few moments left to give her the carving that wasn't ready last week and right at that moment I stopped walking with the group, turned towards Her car and started quickly walking after her, while the rest of the group continued-on to their own cars.

Can't imagine what they all thought right then, but there was no hiding it: it wasn't like I just slowly meandered my way around the carpark until I happened upon her - I literally was walking with the group one moment; then turned ninety degrees to the left and walked away the next.

Feel everyone watching me too, for that oddly slow-feeling twenty or so meters it took to catch up to Gorgeous and when I'd walked around the back of the car She'd just unlocked and opened her door as I approached.

"How clean are your hands?", I've called as I walked over to her just after she's got to her car.

'Hey? Pretty clean, why?'

"I made this for you. Here.."

No build-up, no bullshit: just walked up and placed this fluffy little bundle in her hand - fluffy because it was still wrapped in the square of flannel I used for last night's final polish.

Took her a moment to pull it out the cloth and another moment to realize what I'd given her - neither of us were awkward or weird about it at all: I did not give her the piercing, predatory, animal glare, I did not wait for a pause to grow fat with my expectation that surely any moment now she'll burst into tears, drop to her knees and declare her undying love for me - nice as that would've been: I simply gave it to her, told her I had to go and wished her a good week, almost..

"Don't let the dogs eat it."

'I won't'

"Took me a week to carve that little boat for you, with only a pocket knife and without a single cut", I've told her as I held up my splayed, uncut fingers for her to see and smirked.

'As if I'm letting the dogs anywhere near it, are you kidding?'

"'kay"

'..a knife.. seriously?'

That was the first time she'd taken her eyes off the boat since I gave it to her and returned her gaze to me.

"Yes."

"And don't give it away, I made it for you."

She reassured me in that soft, quiet voice that she never would.

Gawd ❤️

Richard is gay so he knew exactly,.. fuck everybody knew exactly why I went after her.

Not being at all sure what kind of reaction I might get from her, I was kind've surprised to find she just adored it: all beamy and smiling, she's asked me a rapid-fire succession of questions about this new thing she's holding in her hands as I've answered and told her how it was carved and how long it look.

She'll be home now and though she'd already have had a good look at the pretty love-themed little trinket and put it down, she'll come back to it: pick it up, see the heart, feel it, examine the linework and think about my spending a week carving it for her - that's romance right there: love it.

You see; now, any time she's alone with that tiny and delicately carved object of beauty, the object itself will tell her things: things I'd only ruin if I tried to fumble my way through expressing it in live conversation so early-on.

So I've allowed my most dominant talent do the talking for me, and will continue to.

By the time she's grown bored enough with that first carving to stop playing with it I'll have a new one for her that's SO beautiful and SO full of complexity she won't be able to leave it alone.

Cute little boat is merely the beginning and each new carving beyond that will only be the most recent placeholder that's filling-in until the next, MORE gorgeous creation is ready for her.

Yeah no, I like that: even as I was trying to walk away from her - after giving her the trinket - she kept talking to me and asking questions, saying things - I would've returned to find out what she'd just said about half a dozen times, one of which she offered me a lift when I'm pretty sure she knew I already had one and her 'Seeya next week! :)' was delivered so brightly yeah .. it was ALL delivered with such bubbliness 🥰️

From everything I've seen and heard from her, observing her and listening to her talk about other people there is not even the slightest shadow of a doubt she is the classiest woman I have ever known in my 47 years on the planet.

Gotta start thinking about the next carving.

And here, is the block of wood I've already dug out to use for the new 'piece': not only is it almost perfectly uniform in thickness, there's no flaws, no holes from those fkn annoying grubs that seem to love to ruin otherwise great hardwood and yeah that'll do the trick nicely...

Now I look at that image full-screen I see there are a few very thin cracks at the end, but they're usually only at the ends of the wood and should disappear at about half an inch in and if they don't, well there's wood I've tossed in boxes everywhere so I'll use another piece.

Yeah wow.. She loves it..

Course what *I* love is that this tiny little representation of myself is now in her possession: she owns a little chunk of me.

Tuesday, 17th November 2020

6:08 PM

So while I'm waiting for tomorrows clothes to soak a bit before I handwash then hang 'em to dry, I will add two very interesting things I've learnt this week - both from a science-based radio show that's been running for twenty years now: RadioLab and actually, I've learnt three very interesting things this week; all while carving or scraping or sanding with my contacts out thus too blind to see the screen well enough to even bother updating the site.


Firstly: Here's how the Dinosaurs really died..

If you were not as obsessed with Dinosaurs as I was in my childhood then, you suck generally.

I heard a science show where experts presented evidence that doesn't in any way dispute the fact an asteroid slammed into earth millions of years ago, but elaborates on a much more likely explaination of what immediately followed that collision.

According to the theory we all know, Dinosaurs are all just standing around eating plants and whatnot, when this massive asteroid slams into the planet causing first a dust cloud that blocks the sun, then the planet gets dark and cold, then the plants die and without plants, the hipster vegetarian dickhead Dinosaurs all die which would be no great loss except it left nothing for cool, carnivorous dinosaurs to eat causing them to finally waste away and fall over dead.

Fade-to-black; Dinosaurs gone.

It's now been discovered that intense heat was responsible for the planetary wipeout; with well it's too much for me to explain here but where's the episode.. hang on.. here: Dinopocalypse Redux

Basically, the meteor slammed into the earth and released all kinds of shit - correct - but the splashback of rock melting into chunks of sand that shot into space briefly where they cooled into shards of glass, spread around some, then plummeted back through the atmosphere as molten rock that caused the entire sky to glow and heat like the sun and THAT killed *everything* in just a few hours.

These are the very balls that filled the sky - turning it into a massive stove element..

Dinosaurs blood would have boiled within their veins; rivers and the upper surface of the ocean itself would've boiled and cooked anything in it; plants simply evaporated as the heat increased and nothing survived except a few shitty species that were deep enough inside caves to not bake, but those are just creepy little arseholes like colourless bugs that live underground and we never see anyway.

Everything that lived on or near the surface was incinerated.


Secondly: One person can literally end the world..

This interesting thing does not interest me so much as what really killed the Dinosaurs off - to be clear - and won't be as long a description as the above was, but I found it just mildly troubling nonetheless.

Fellow Generation X'ers will all have seen the movie 'Wargames' with Mathew Broderick: about the WOPR AI computer that's meant to only simulate thermonuclear war, but ends up growing smart enough to go right ahead and actually launch.

The thick if the plot is that this super-computer was hooked-up to replace the human 'turn-keys' in the event those evil reds ever suddenly decide to start bombing shit outta the USA.

You'll recall the two soldiers responsible for turning the keys that actually launch the warheads rocked-up to a house in the middle of nowhere, walked into a hidden door, then went down an elevator that took them to their little room where they both need to simultaneously turn their key to get shit moving, and the way - since one of them got the feels during a test-launch and refused to turn the key - government experts decided to completely replace the faulty humanoids with a computer and that's where all the malarky starts.

Maybe it will wind up as long as the Dinosaurs, though it's getting time for bed so it'll have to wait to be continued tomorrow.


Thirdly: Einstein was not as smart as all the hype..

*...

*...

*...

4:40 PM

Is anyone else getting 503 errors on page loading/refreshing?

Might have to relax the layers of security I've stacked - I'm getting 503 errors myself on several pages and not only the ones I wrote myself - backend scripts are spitting 503 'not permitted' errors, though at least it's telling me the backend software doing it and I know it's not my Verminator so that's alright.

I've got to wash the layers of Penrith sweat off before I settle-in to give this carving one final rubbing with 50,000 grit jewelers polish and a soft cloth - don't need to remove my contacts for that shit.

Rosemary (the chemist at Lawson) asked me earlier today how long it took to carve, which I answered "A while", and though I'm unsure of the exact amount of time that went into it, the smaller the carving the longer it takes because I've got to be careful with every little slice and cut I do - a larger peice would be safer since I could hold it more easily and securely without the risk of losing a finger or slicing through a tendon that fucks that finger to the point it no longer works and I may as well have just cut the fucker off - never mind all the blood; not only do I love watching blood gush from a cut, but I rarely ever feel the cut happen - just the slightest little pinch is all you have time to feel and then there's just, that thick, deep crimson-red dripping everywhere.

I also have to think about the next carving.. I've got the blank of a love heart that took me several nights to roughly shape a while ago, but that'll require a fuckload of time and effort and thought and need to inlay all kinds of love related symbology - even attempting to carve that heart will end-up in wasted wood if I start it now.

12:47 PM

After days of online silence and 10% distance vision in both eyes, it's just about done..

Like I just said on facebook, she doesn't know she's going to be Woman #9 yet but I will charm her into it - this is just a physical representation for her to possess in the meantime.

Not a single cut happened and there are three symbolic forms within the little boat carving which she can figure out herself while she's playing with it alone at home.

I should clarify finishing didn't take me 'days' - those days were full of my typically distracted behaviour so it was really just a few extra hours of super-fine sanding; if I tallied them up.

Sunday, 15th November 2020

2:00 PM

A minor crowd began to mull around those few moments I was standing outside Woolies with the bird in my hand taking photos, but I've never shied away from playing with dead things before and you have to admit - it's a pretty good photo..

Friday, 13th November 2020

3:42 PM

As always, hand-carved with only a pocket knife and polished with fine sandpaper, then scraped, then finished with oil from my skin..

It's still unfinished though I've just done the basic carving-out of the right side: manipulating something so tiny and smooth with one hand at the same time you're controlling a razor sharp knife with the other's a very delicate, deliberate process: there's no bench vice or additional tools here; just a sharp steal cutting edge - one slip and either the carving is ruined or I've got blood spraying out a half severed finger or both.

Absolute control of fingers, wood and knife are required so it's quite meditative - the focus of that meditation always being the woman I'm creating it for.

A little physical manifestation of my soul created to be given away.

Finishing the wood is also difficult, with any spot that's not perfectly smooth resulting in the kind of light, rough bits you can see are in half the grooves now still needing to be sorted, plus with only the oil from my skin being used just getting that oil into all those little valleys is much slower than simply slopping a commercial oil like linseed everywhere.

Course I've gotten better at carving these trinkets over the years and while some I've carved look pretty unfinished by comparison, this will be the first trinket I've made for this woman so it has to be absolutely flawless: given she'll be able to pick it up and examine it as many times as she likes once I've handed it over to her, it cannot fall short.

It looks like a heart from above, but it's a boat from all other angles with two snakes cheek to cheek - which isn't so obvious from that angle, but my contacts are still out so I've gotta update with my phone which is a pain in the arse.

Add that to the list of pages backlogged for creation: one that lists all the carvings I create from here on out, along with a nicely composed photo of each and who they've been created for or given to.

A catalogue of carvings.

Wednesday, 11th November 2020

7:44 PM

Alright so since I didn't manage to finish the carving in time this week I'm leaving my contacts out until it's done - for the entire week if necessary.

I almost took it in anyway, but handing it over unfinished would've felt all wrong so I've gotta do it: this single, tiny, intricately carved thing of beauty will say more and say it clearer than any combination of words out my mouth ever could.

4:44 PM

Mandy why do you keep going from Melbourne to Perth to Melbourne to Perth, and more interestingly: why do you make a point of visiting the site every time you're at either location?

Of course I've blanked out your IP address and ISP before uploading this screenshot...

Yeah, all me.

Honestly I'm still impressed with myself for programming such a magnificently comprehensive tracking script from an empty text file, THEN creating the SQL database to store all that information and connecting the two, adding the theme a few weeks ago so I'd know which fork of the diary is being displayed and there's one or two other values I keep meaning to add, but I'm digressing.. Side-tracked by self-adulation...

You know my stalk_user() module returns almost two dozen details about visitors to the site, and there you are checking the site when you're in Melbourne, then making sure you hit each page once you're in Perth again..

Trying to make me jelly about all the time you're spending stuck on a plane? But I hate being stuck on any moving vehicle, so how would that work?

4:20 PM

I found out what brand of phone She uses - she even told me the model when I asked.

Not that I really need to know: I haven't given her the address to this diary and don't plan to yet - if she starts reading, I've gotta switch to writing like a sensitive, new-age bore so I'd no longer be able to say what I'm actually thinking and I just think about all the fuckin' bullshit this site has caused me; simply writing what's going on generally means whoever you're with knows everything you're thinking and doing - I'd rather just avoid that particular hassle, this time.

Smart move.

Tuesday, 10th November 2020

8:00 PM

Can't wait to create that romantic theme..

It's a bit soon yet, but for years and several women I've wanted a way to completely switch themes and display private writing to the woman I'm hot for in love with.

Wordpress wouldn't do it reliably let alone completely but now, I've created my own site framework to do exactly that and though none of you public Lurkers will see any of the romantic content because it'll be private and for her, rest assured it'll look stunning: crimson and deep reds with vivid red highlights here and there; when she logs in, she'll automatically be shown the Romantic theme option from the Preferences page and once selected, the entire site will turn blood red and only romantic text will be displayed in this diary.

It'll really be quite something.

7:44 PM

The Doglady - I've just realized I didn't add any reference to what or who that is and probably should since that creepy bitch has stayed with me my entire adult life.

1:22 PM

Crazy Jen just walked past me out front of the train station: never even makes eye contact with me in public - far cry from the deluge of abuse she loves to flood my phone with whenever she's feeling the urge to be extra creepy.

Not even like we've ever been together for her to know me well enough to hate me either, she's wow she's just so fucking insane: sometimes every few weeks, sometimes every few months, she will text me completely outta the blue to insist that I'm a devil who's ruining her life and she's being "watched" by men in black type arseholes - who randomly become me whenever she says so - and these devils are the ones who took her little boy from her, *never* the fact she's an off-tap crack-head mired in a delusional psychosis nooo, couldn't be that - but the MOST annoying thing and the thing I can't abide is her constant use of capital letters - for everything: "U CNT DEVIL BURN INHRLL IFN H8 U UR ALL DA SAME U GOT NOE DIK".

That annoys me more than the lunacy contained within the texts themselves.

Full-on, batshit crazy she is and I'm sure losing custody of whatever kid she's always on about bugged her a bit, but you know that's always gunna be the outcome when you have a kid then leave it with drug dealers so you can go do fuck knows what for a few dollars to dose yourself back up each day.

So yeah, I look around and see her walking up to get the train, shaking like she expects a fucking werewolf to suddenly materialize and attack her, dragging her purple two-wheeled trolley, handbag swinging from one arm and not only a hat to cover her face today, but an umbrella she's holding!

Going all-out classy this afternoon :)

Why, you could totally be forgiven for thinking there was a proper, demure lady hiding under all that shit.

But knowledge is power and I know better - I am fully aware of the thing that lurks under that poorly assembled facade: a disfunctionally paranoid, deeply schizophrenic, drug addled creature who is so gone to darkness that not only is she unworthy of feeling sorry for, she feeds off other peoples sympathy like a vampire and counts on morons who want to help the poor, broken, fragile little woman.

The Doglady made real.

Lift that wanky little hat she's using to conceal her face from the world and you'll see a grey-skinned, walking petri-dish of disease who is constantly shaking like a leaf and looks much older than she is; black circles bordering sunken yellow eyes with dried gunk in their corners and crusted saliva around the edges of lips so unhealthy they look like a pair of colourless white slugs crawled onto her face then died.

Good bone structure though, if you can ignore how unhealthy she is.

What's would cause that, hepatitis? Ghonnorea? I have no idea, I just know I would never share a smoke, utensil or any other item that might've been in her mouth.

I remember giving her a hug years ago now, how she closed her eyes and puckered her lips out ready for me to kiss her.

I had no intention of doing any such thing because I'm not a cheap slut so a hug was all either of us was getting that day and as I've pulled out of said hug I've seen the lips waiting and the eyes closed for a moment before she realized the hug had ended and I was already standing two feet away from her again, but thank god I *am* a slow mover: if I'd been the kind of person who fucks first then wonders why later, I'd look like her today and have whatever sickness she carries.

Like the entire reason we even interacted and met up with each other was because I would buy an ounce of weed on payday then sell what I didn't need throughout the week and she would buy it: once I stopped selling cannabis to pass the drug test for my job, I stopped buying it at all so I stopped having any to sell and she's been butthurt about it ever since.

How selfish is she right?

Monday, 9th November 2020

11:59 PM

Goodness I'm getting a lot of different countries finding their way to the diary lately.. people from, everywhere..

Welcome Norway, welcome Poland, welcome Russia, welcome Indonesia, welcome Bangladesh, welcome Japan, welcome the UK, welcome America AND welcome Canada!!

And nope, they're not bots - all the bots I get are very clearly marked as such.

Welcome overseas visitors! :)

8:05 PM

Mandy you know you don't need to login every time you visit the site?

The cookies I've set on your device are good for a full decade - you don't need to login again until 2030.

Course if you like logging-in each time or just do it out of habit, that's fine - I don't have any objection to that - but it isn't necessary, unless you've got cookies turned off or blocked on your phone, which I don't logically assume you do because most people learn real fast that no cookies = no memory of anything you visit online and the majority of people just can't be fucked signing-in at every page for every account they use, every time they visit every page.

That's why cookies were invented: to save everyone the pissoff of constantly typing login details every time we visit, everywhere.

And all the paranoia spread by companies online is nothing but marketing bullshit to sell unecessary software anyway - fabricating a threat then selling a cure: since there's nothing in any cookie other than plain text and websites can only access cookies belonging to their own domain anyway, which means microsoft.com can't read psychaesthetic.com.au cookies and google.com can't read cookies set by ebay or any other yeah you know what I mean: there's no cross-domain cookie access - domain.com can ONLY read or write cookies set by domain.com and it's the same for every other site.

Companies spreading horseshit about cookies being a privacy issue are really only using peoples lack of knowledge, stupidity and groundless fears against them.

4:44 PM

The ever lovely Joanne ❤️

Yeah no, she hasn't done anything specific to illicit the line above and - since I've been texting her continually all afternoon - it isn't like I even need to address her here, but she's lovely, so I figured why not a little shout-out.

And the ever Lovely Michele ❤️ who hasn't text me with the same ferocity, but still warrants a love heart too.

2:28 PM

I've gotta get rid of that heart in the new background - up top in the canopy..

Not because I dislike it or don't want to fill the page with love-hearts, but because it's visually at odds and just not fitting-in with the surrounding line-work and forest and shit.

Sunday, 8th November 2020

5:13 PM

I've lost my small knife, though I know I've seen it recently - just not where I've seen it or it would be in front of me instead of lost and I need it for the detailed carving,.. spose I can use the stanley knife with a new blade, but that's too bulky to manipulate with my fingers.

The background image for the dark theme is coming along nicely: rather than trying to complete it in one sitting I'm treating it like an oil-painting - we all know oils never fuckin' dry and remain not only workable but as wet as the day you started, weeks later - and also why I use acrylics that're touch try 10 minutes after painting: leaving it open in illustrator lets me just add more detail here and there, change shit I don't like without any undue hassle and there's really no need to 'finish' the image because it's going to be a permanant fixture so getting it nice is more important than ticking it off a mental list already packed with more important things needing completion.

She loves lists.

It's a virgo thing, that and I've already told her she would love programming if she gave it a go since programming is basically just a list of sequentially ordered commands machines can follow, written inside a file.

Gawd: wouldn't it be something if she gave programming a bash and decided she liked it enough to start messing around with the site with me - turn it into a mutual project we could both collaborate on.

Yeah I'm dreaming, I know.

Though, she fully supported my wanting to /delete the entire nursery site and do it again myself and we both talking about how lame old-veronica is - the self-appointed geriatric gate-keeper for everything computers within the nursery..

I told Beautiful that if Veronica was the best person for all these various jobs she's constantly trying to keep control of that'd be one thing, but she's just an old woman well past her use-by date and it shows, and she knows it shows, which is why she fights so *bitterly* to keep control of all the PC-related office crap even though Beautiful and I have forgotten more about computers than Veronica will ever learn about 'em.

I didn't say all this while I was discussing it with Beautiful - we were both pretty diplomatic in person even with only the two of us there - though we were on the same page in our shared, mutual scorn of Veronica's deluded bullshit.

I'm kinda getting pissy just thinking about Veronica now actually: such a hoitytoity old bitch - many people at the nursery dislike her for that alone; never even mind her affectation-addled queen of the office crap.

Anyway if you scroll up and RIGHT-CLICK => VIEW BACKGROUND IMAGE on the header of the page, you'll see I've started the canvas much heigher than the standard screen dimensions because I want it long enough so you don't hit the end of the image even with the console and mood panel open or whatever other elements I eventually add to the page that might cause the window to scroll down mm - more than is usual, so that lower 2/3rds of the image that're only dark grey and black currently can also be detailed with what, roots, a little burrow with animals in it, whatever..

Problem is, that to carve I've taken my contacts out my eyes, which means I can't see the TV well enough to edit artwork at all and to put my contacts back in my eyes means no longer being able to use that super-macro/microscopic vision I get when my contacts are out, which means no more carving - so it's one or the other, and right now it's the other.

I'll also create a new background header image for the light theme and that one will be daylight with a new set of tree/mountain/sky elements but also, I'll be changing the background sky colour to match the three colour tints of the mood analysis panel, so as well as the title, heading and subheadings all changing green, yellow or red as $expressives, $emotives and $romantics hit their thresholds for the month the background image's sky will change fill to the tint's colour too - and here's how that'll look with the $expressives tint active..

Matter of, ..here I'll change the actual header image while I'm at it..

Of course there'll be a yellow and red version of the above image for the other two mood tints and because the mountains are 50% transparent, I've only gotta change the colour of the sky layer to tint the hills too.. should look good, once it's all finished and coded to auto-change with the page tinting.

Just need to export three versions of the same image - though there's no point doing them until I've finished the default one.

Saturday, 7th November 2020

7:15 PM

Baker's Delight was closed already at 4:30 this afternoon and since the lines at Woolies were ridiculous and even Hominy Bakery was out the question because I don't carry cash on me most the time, I ended up having to buy a loaf of Light Rye bread from the Food Co-op: Twelve, fucking, dollars! You believe that bullshit??

But, now I've just actually had toast with this gold-plated bread, I can confirm it's actually *very* good.

Worried I'd get some hippie shit I didn't even want to eat, but no no - it's delicious.

Some woman in Penrtih told me I was a gentleman and that it's nice, this afternoon when the elevator doors dinged open and I gestured for her to go first.

I told her I "Can't help it..", because it's "How I was raised." which is true: I've never felt right stepping past a woman, anywhere really, if she's wanting to go the same way as me and it's kind've cute that on the two occasions within the last week at this same elevator with two seperate women, both times I've LOOKED like I was in a super rush to GET the elevator down and open, until the doors actually opened - which point I just stood on the spot, waiting for her to go in ahead of me and I do the same on buses too: just stand there and *most* women know what you're doing and will mouth a little 'thank you' before stepping in first.

Once we're both inside the elevator, on both occasions these two women have then walked towards the front of the carriage and this is the kinda cute bit: neither of them pressed the Concourse button - they just walked in then waited a moment and the first time it took me a moment to realize "Oh right - in for a penny, guess the button's my thing too CLICK" and off we go.

Second time today, I didn't have that moment of waiting to see whether she wanted to press the button, and just like the other day the woman ignored the button completely - all part of the ritual :)

CLICK. Up we go.

And no matter how many bitches out there talk shit about equality or even truly dislike having a man act like a gentleman, there's still no shortage at all of 20 year old chicks who *appreciate* this ritual and respond to it with all the grace inherent within the gesture itself and I love it: it's one of the few social cues I understand and see as valuable - it makes sense; just as woman of all ages universally appreciate the gesture, *I* appreciate the fact they know what it means intuitively and act accordingly.

There's *never* any confusion on either of our parts as to who is doing what, never any debating, never any awkwardness - it just always happens smoothly and organically - most of the time, I'll get the chick just give me a nice, demure smile; sometimes the woman will mouth a little thank you or say it audibly; sometimes she'll just do it without saying anything with the latter of the three almost being better in a way - the fact she'll step ahead of me without saying a word means it's happened without any need for additional fanfare - it's just a given for them and me, which is should be.

It's just, understood, plus it allows me to demonstrate to whatever woman's there I do in fact have manners that go beyond the stock standard 'please' and 'thank you' people constantly mumble without knowing why: I KNOW why I'm pausing to let the woman go first, she KNOWS who I'm doing it and it says a lot more about the both of us than cursory social niceties ever could - it's a statement of character.

I'm not even gloating about the fact I do it either: if there's anyone responsible for my being so well versed in gentlemanly cues and ettiquite, it's my grandmother - who was sure as shit the only member of my family I can recall ever mentioning anything about not shoving in front of her when I'd go in a door or whatever, so as an adult I don't feel *right* about NOT following that particular set of social behaviours.. it's automatic.

Anyway I'm constantly walking right up to elevators, pedestrian crossings or other interactive social devices and impatiently mashing the button CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK then getting pissy when it doesn't instantly appear for me 'cause I'm in a fucking hurry to get to point B and don't have time to be waiting around on machinery, but then if there's any woman close by who's waiting with me I *cannot* hurry past her when the doors open or the lights change or whatever - just feels wrong, which I realize is a contradiction and at odds with some of the shit I write about certain woman here, but those certain women represent only 0.001% of the women I've met, known, talked to or otherwise interacted with in my life to date - I like or even love the other 99.999% of women I've ever met!

I mean it's literally ONLY the sneaky, lying sluts, bogans and bitches who act like they're better than me who turn my blood to acid and make my skin crawl - every other woman is fine by me.

Fortunately, I've met two women in the past few months who are gorgeous, AND intelligent, AND honest, AND down-to-earth, AND charming which has renewed my faith in the opposite sex in general.

As it fucking should be too.

Most people feel the same about those three groups of women, it's just most people don't see right through other peoples bullshit so fast it's like a psychic ability which means most people don't figure-out what other people really are as instantaneously as I do, and though emotion has clouded my vision, that's only happened twice in my life - once when I was 21 and once when I was 42, which is super weird numerically now I look at it written down, but whatever - it won't happen again.

Least, not until I'm 84 and I'll be dead by then so it won't happen again

4:49 PM

I went to Penrith yet again today - something to do: turns out Satuday is not the day to be visiting there: fucking *ocean* of people to constantly dodge and step around, and since half that ocean of people are heading in the opposite direction to the other half, it really doesn't matter a shit which way you happen to be heading - you are constantly trying to walk against the flow.

Then I saw Toni on the way back, who used me to get a large potato-sack full of stale bread carried upstairs from that musty little charity shop there in the - whatever that is.

Apparently it's for some sad fuck who spends his time killing our native birds with cheap, badly made Woolies bread that isn't fit even for human consumption - let alone native animals - which is whatever right that's fine, I'm not a Cockatoo with a stomach cramp so I'm only pretending to care.

Toni is just one reason I'm glad I didn't lose my shit to the point of walking away from Katoomba with only what I could carry and I'm finding - much to my surprise - that all the people I've met and seen and exchanged random social pleasantries with over the past half a decade I've lived here, they actually say hi back if I make the minimal effort required to greet them when I see them, opposed to walking past ignoring them like they don't exist to me, which I guess could be perceived as rude to many, which is how I've always *wanted* it to be perceived but now realize there's not really any reason to be a stuck-up ignorant cunt to everyone when it takes no more effort to be sociable.

Get home a minute ago to find Mick the crack-dealer from downstairs, standing out on the grass with a golf club wasting his afternoon pretending to improve his swing while yeah blugh - he could probably stash his drugs in the bags under his eyes they're so saggy and mm yeah he looks very unhealthy.

How do I know he's a crack dealer? Well I don't *specifically* know what kind of dealer he is since I've never spoken to him other than twice saying 'Afternoon.', in two years and don't know a single thing else about anyone in these flats so I have no first-hand account of anything he or any of the rest of them do really, the human filth that live around here give it away with their tone of voice while they're standing outside talking to him - often through his door while they're grovelling for him to open it - always kissing his arse with the 'buddy pal' shit and always ending each visit with '..thanks Mick mate thanks for that man fuck thank you'.

Multiply that by at least a dozen itching, scratching junkies - all snivelling their thanks and praise to Mick the junkie saviour, every day - and you get a pretty solid idea he's not just selling weed.

Tell ya what too, though I've always been quite the advocate of drugs and still now don't believe anybody has fucking any right to tell me how I use anything - especially for regulating my mood - you hear all these nasty-arse junkie cockroaches all skittering around outside this Mick's door every day and I just cannot imagine how fucking pathetic I would feel if I'd allowed myself to become beholden to one person to provide me with an addictive substance.

Can you imagine being forced through addiction to pretend and make-out as if you like some arsehole you'd never want to dirty your spit on but a drug he has means you've gotta not only convince yourself he's just great, but treat him like he's the king if shit mountain - every day or two when you're knocking on his door again like a fuckin' golem begging his master to let him in.

Sordid, disgusting group of creatures they all are.

Speaking of disgusting I saw someone pull something out a bin this afternoon and eat it.

Different kind of disgusting, I guess.

I've got carving to do anyway, so I can give her something I created for her, with my bare hands, that she can take home, take out and play with anytime she likes - Priority #1.

A tiny bit of me she can *possess* - that's what it's all about: if you don't possess someone's heart their love means fuckin' nothing at all and these trinkets I love to give are a physical placeholders for the emotion that made me create them - they're nothing but bits of wood once that emotion is dead, but potent artifacts when that affection and love is alive.

I'm going to drench this woman with love and adoration - love her back to life again.

She doesn't know half of this yet but she's got an idea: the seed's been planted - just a matter of being careful not to overwater it or give it too much direct sunlight while it's germinating.

A slow game with the reward you have your heart set on will always shit on a fast game with whoever you happen to bump into that's an easy enough lay to have seemed like a good idea at the time.

What is it you women love to say? "Mr right, not Mr Right-now"?

Bang-on.

Dumb feminist phrases aside though, I've never in my life before felt so much like I can make someone happy with my personality nor felt so much like I want to: she tells me all the things that're making her sad and I just turn to mush with the gentlest, softest, warmest feeling and this need to make her feel better, happier - to see her shine.

Course I'll eventually need to explain to her father how it is, but I get along with him fine as it is and as long as he sees his daughter smiling and laughing and happy when she's with me and he knows I won't even dare propose anything deeper until I'm fully employed again at the least, that'll sort itself out.

That's right - a proper, legitimate old-fashioned relationship this will be: father's blessing and all.

Sure she's a bit of a mess at the moment, but I can see right through all that: she's the classiest woman I've ever met in my life and I know she's worth any time and effort I put into her.

Virgo Version 3.0, coming right up.

Thursday, 5th November 2020

4:05 PM

God, she's exquisite: I have got to get to know her..

After two years alone I am finally ready to hone my focus to a needle point on her, under any terms she likes: whatever speed, whatever context, bound-up with a million strings or none at all.

Whatever she wants.

I let her know today how I felt about her in a way that meant neither of us need address anything directly, by creating an elephant in the room that was impossible to ignore but so sweet and lovely, nobody even thought about shooing it away: small and cute with light pink skin made of only the softest flower petals, all afternoon my elephant sat leaning by her side - little love-heart eyes patiently staring up at her, blinking.

I made no effort to conceal the presence of this obvious affection for her while other people were around either, so everyone else saw it just as plain as day: each giving a little nod of acknowledgement to the elephant before sitting with us to talk about plant species or whatever the topic happened to be at the time without any weirdness or awkwardness at all - like 'Jason's got his pink elephant over there, resting it's head in her lap, staring up at her with the I love you eyes.. Are there any {insert plant species} left out the back?'

She didn't run a mile or snap shut like a fly-trap: she talked, she laughed, she smiled, she drank the coffees I made for her, she was funny any chance she got and - most importantly - she was obviously lighter and happier which is just what I want to see her be.

Beautiful woman, lovely day.

Tuesday, 3rd November 2020

7:48 PM

I've decided to start on creating new header backgrounds and site artwork with Illustrator instead of using photos, because original artwork of any kind has more personality than just a tinted photo and there's no reason I have to use photographs for the backgrounds, nor any rule says the diary for the month's Featured Image needs to be the header background.

So we'll start with replacements for the dark and light theme header images, then work our way through the header backgrounds for login, preferences and home pages and finally create images for buttons and any other page controls or elements until we've got a more visually rich site..

God, I'm so easily distracted - if I were able to hone my focus more efficiently I'd have all this and a shitload more already done long ago, but I do get distracted so it all happens when it happens.

This is why I haven't seriously considered trying to kick-off a web-design business still: imagine me operating at this super-casual

2:45 PM

Penrith again today because, well, you know I'm well aware of all the times I've stated how I abhor the place but I'm beginning to like it.

Not that I'd ever want to live in such a place, but there's something so comforting about being in a place that has the same kind of population as the Eastern Suburbs - the place I grew up.

Reminds me and reinforces the fact I came from a much bigger place than the sordid little small town I now reside and makes that sordid little shithole feel insignificant by comparison, not that Katoomba is ALL terrible, but it can easily start feeling like the entire world when you've been there a while when it's not even close.

Monday, 2nd November 2020

10:28 PM

Start stacking-up the hours, start making money again, update the wardrobe and save for a new laptop while I've got the cheap rent, zero responsibility and low cost of living then save to move somewhere nice, before finally continuing with the IT degree once I've settled in a place that's conducive to study: that is the one year plan.

Five year plan is to begin a web-design business once I've secured the next woman and have the momentum to leverage and a few more study units to get my brain focused again.

8:20 PM

Tonight's podcast is a random I clicked from that Astonishing Legends show, that turned out to be kinda cool on a quietly spooky way.. Sarah and the Spiderwoman (Single Episode [1:51m]) about some chick called Sarah, who recounts the story of her spiralling mentally, I suppose is the best description without any spoilers.

2:34 PM

Click the hamburger menu at the top-left of the page and type login + ENTER in the console if you want to login and hav the option to choose between light and dark versions of the same diary.

Easy.

I've split the diary this way so I can seperate different tones of writing and fork that different content into specific themes to match the darkness, lightness, etcetera and give me a diary that can fork-out into different directions though I really need to create the romantic theme - tinted shades of red but unlike the light and dark themes, the romantic one will display only romantic writing and not include the neutral daily mental dribble.

Sunday, 1st November 2020

10:20 PM

This weekend's podcast was a multi-part series about a hidden pit full of treasure on Oak Island - off Nova Scotia, Canada.

I have never been much interested in hidden treasure or any bullshit like that, but figured I'd give the first episode a go because the two hosts of Astonishing Legends can be pretty amusing when they get into it, though I still didn't expect much from a thing about buried treasure till I started listening..

The Oak Island Money Pit (Part 1 [1:15m] | Part 2 [1:16m] | Part 3 [1:17m] | Part 4 [3:03m])

By the second episode I was fuckin' *into* it and I *still* wanna KNOW what the fuck is down there: 100 meters underground and built with a sea-water hydrolic sealed trap that ruined the first few attempts to dig down by flooding the hole completely..

It's like, one company after another have tried EVERYTHING since 1804 to get what's at the bottom of this treasure pit, and they haven't succeeded today!

Dozens of times there's been articles online like "Oak Island Mystery Solved!", but it still hasn't been solved and this 'hole' in the ground - as you'll find out if you listen - is an example of genius engineering that predates colonization and was thought to be build by everyone from the stone masons to the knights templar.

Still today, nobody really knows because the way this pit was built has shit on every generation of new technology we've created and nobody has got to the bottom of it, so to speak.

Good podcast. Long though and contains many more details than you probably even need to pay attention to - the first and second episodes are the most interesting I found, though by the time you've been through them you'll be interested in the last two anyway.

11:06 AM

Right so every month, the last months diary entry vanishes from existance: this means no matter what I say within the confines of each diary entry, I don't have to worry about it ever coming back to bite me in the arse again.

You see already I've broken my statement about THIS month being story format..

Oh well.

 

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